Originally published on Medium.
How do you differentiate selfishness from self-preservation?
I grew up in the United States, where Christmas is a mishmash of many traditions old and new. In my family, we always looked forward to the presents and the food, of course, and even though we weren’t religious, Christmas was a time to honor and celebrate our family.
I’ve spent many Christmases in Panama, but it still never feels quite like home. Cooking during the holidays is my way of curing homesickness. This year I baked a crap load of cookies and cooked enough food for an army.
The problem was that Christmas Eve dinner would only include me and my husband, who are trying to cut down, and the Mother-in-Law, who is allergic to everything and on a very restricted diet. We had a feast, just the three of us, leaving piles of cookies untouched and a metric ton of leftover ham.
On Christmas morning, I decided to walk my dogs to enjoy the blustery weather and process the previous night’s champagne. I’ve been practicing awareness and “living in the now,” and I tried to soak up everything and enjoy my little piece of life as I walked.
My road runs about fifteen kilometers along the edge of a valley and ends at Volcán Barú. The morning was glorious. A misty plasma covered the volcano, and the shimmer of a rainbow occasionally appeared. The wind rushed through the towering pines lining the roadside as songbirds crisscrossed between them. Butterflies flitted about my head and hummingbirds zoomed through the flowers. I pictured my family in the US at that moment. They would be getting up and getting ready to open presents. I took an inventory of my blessings and felt a melancholy sort of peace.
As I approached the end of my walk, I passed the house two lots from mine; it’s a small home with several indigenous families living inside and is surrounded with rowdy dogs, ponies, and chickens. A group of young girls skipped from the driveway and passed me on their way up the steep road. The smallest one asked me for a regalo. I said that I didn’t have any gifts. Then four more children piled onto the driveway: two grimy-faced boys and two stringy-haired girls who held bundled-up infants. They slung the babies from arm to arm as if they were dolls, making me anxious that one of them would drop. One of the boys asked excitedly if I had any regalos. I said no.
I thought, What? Do I look like Santa Claus? Then he asked if there were presents down the road, referring to my house. I said no, and Feliz Navi and then made a quick and awkward getaway. They didn’t seemed surprised or disappointed. I think they were expecting a no but figured it was worth a shot to ask the gringa.
As I walked away, I thought about the pile of cookies, the leftover ham, the shiny new gadgets I got for Christmas, the ridiculous amount of delicious human food my dogs consumed, and I felt like running back to ask the poor children if they liked galletas. I thought I might bring a bag of cookies down and maybe some hand-me-downs. God knows I have a lot of stuff I need to giveaway.
Christmas is supposed to be a time of goodwill, kindness, and generosity. Spread good cheer. Love thy neighbor, etc. And just the thought of doing this flooded me with the warm, Christmassy feeling one is supposed to have. Yes! I thought. I will give to the little ones! God bless us everyone!
But with every step closer to my house, the rush of generosity wore off. What if I gave them food and they showed up on my doorstep the next morning? And every morning after that?
I know, it sounds terrible, but we’ve been in certain situations like that before. My husband is very generous and will lend anyone money or grant a favor if they ask for it. In the past, this has led to a perpetual lending of money to those who would never (or could never) pay us back.
Once our previous neighbors left their four children alone for days and days. They ran out of food, and we ended up going to the supermarket to buy the kids a full grocery order. The life of the native people is hard, and if they find someone to lean on, they will. I don’t blame them, but I didn’t want to invite another situation like that.
So WWJD? This was his birthday. Of course, he would welcome the children and the who-knows-how-many people squished in that house and offer them all the food and regalos he had. But me?
I don’t consider myself a Christian. However, I believe in Jesus as a great man, one who was able to realize his highest self, one who was capable of truly giving his heart to God. I believe we are all sons of God (or whatever you like to call him/her/it), and every one of us has the potential to be like Jesus, Buddha, and all the other great ones, if only we could put aside our fear, selfishness, and ignorance. Every day, in every situation, we get a choice. We decide whether to serve ourselves or serve a higher purpose.
But no. I didn’t want to give any cookies away and risk starting a relationship with the neighbors that might result in me becoming their patron. Does this make me a Scrooge?
Yes, I think it does.
I think we should be willing to give all year long and unconditionally. But I don’t live in a country where I feel safe helping strangers, and being the idealist I am, this makes me hate myself just a little more every time I compromise one of my beliefs for the sake of practicality. I feel guilty about enjoying myself while other people are struggling, but I don’t think that means I can be considered a good person. I believe a good person does something about suffering.
Am I a coward because I don’t feel secure enough to give and without allowing people take advantage of me? Or am I just too lazy and self-centered to be bothered with the plight of others? How do you differentiate selfishness from self-preservation? I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me.
What do you think?
Does altruism exist?
What would you do?
Am I a scrooge?
Edited by Change It Up Edit
I think you’re an awesome person for putting your situation out there and actually questioning your actions. Many people do things or don’t do things and don’t even bother to think about it. The fact that you want to do the right things says a lot about your character and that you do have a heart. I understand how you felt and even though I feel that I would have given them the items, I cannot possibly judge your decision because I’m not in your shoes. The bottom line for me is that I’m impressed by your openness about it and your desire to do the right things. No matter what… that’s a bonus for you. Take care.
Thank you so much, Tanya. I may not be a perfect person, but I try to at least be an honest one.
The more we learn about flaws, the greater power we have to accept them and accept those of others. We may even be able to change for the better, but that all starts with being real about who you are. This is why I like to write. We get to know why we do the things we do.
You’re obviously one of those self-aware people who doesn’t judge others. I’m so glad you stopped by. Thanks again!
I have very similar feelings that I struggle with sometimes. My husband and I try to help out anonymously with a reputable organization as the go-between. That has worked well for us when we have wanted to help out people in similar situations. I used to be more willing to help out on a one on one basis, but have become more guarded of my and my family because of some scary personal experiences. All I can do is seek out opportunities to be generous. And realize that I can’t change the entire world by myself.
Thanks for your insight, Marie. You’ve experienced this first hand. Although the world should be a place where we should be able to help each other on a one-to-one basis, it’s not. Seeking out organizations I think is the best way to give. If I can’t find one serving my area, maybe I could start one.
It’s hard to live in a country where so many people suffer and are below your level.
Americans (still) have it pretty easy. Most of us aren’t lacking essentials. A lot of us are struggling, but it’s a different level of struggle; for most it’s not about survival.
As a person who has ties to another poor(we) country, I feel your pain.
It feels good to help whenever you can.
I was shocked when I first moved here and witnessed the disparity between the indigenous and the rest of the population. The contrast is undeniable on my road. Between the large. beautiful houses of gringos and coffee plantation owners are the hovels of the natives. These people work for what I’d consider slave wages and many live without running water or electricity. I feel like we live in colonial times here in Panama. It’s a harsh reality that this kind of situation exists in the “modern” world.
I’ve been in similar situations and had the generosity wear off at each hesitation, left with a load of guilt and self loathing, vowing to do better next time. Just listen to your heart, your mind can deal with any outcome :p
Yes! Self-loathing describes it. And you’re right. The mind can justify anything, but the heart knows the truth.
While I’ve never been in this situation and thus feel completely unqualified to comment, I’d like to think I would share the extra food and cookies. After all, I do that now with friends and neighbors who don’t ask, and so if children came asking on Christmas, I can’t really see myself saying no. I’d probably bring it over as a clear Christmas gift.
But again, I’ve never lived in a similar situation, and so I can’t really say for sure. And I definitely don’t begrudge you for thinking of your own safety!
I might have considered it if I was a mature, self-assured person, but as a foreigner, I feel shy and uncomfortable among the stern-faced machete-wielding folk.
What I would do in that situation. I would put goodies in a securely taped box in the yard at night when no one was around, you could share and be anonymous with out the hassle. If the animals got to it first that would be ok with me. You tried and your heart was in the right place.
(you could also hang it from a tree, or fence.)
You are not a scrooge, it is self preservation. You feelings are very self explanatory.
It is great to share, but no one wants the grief.
Anonymity could be the answer you are looking for.
Thank you. That’s a great idea! Then I’d truly be like Santa Claus, hahaha.
Wow! That’s a tough one. Having given away my last dollar because someone needed it, and having given food to others when I had very little, I can say I have been in a similar situation. I gave without hesitation. That might make me an idiot, I don’t know. But I am a Christian and I do believe Jesus was our savior, so doing what he would do just made sense to me at the time. I can’t explain it, but I’d do it again, without hesitation. My belief is that we are here on Earth for each other, and to help each other. But this is my thought. While your reasons make sense, I know that put in your situation, those little urchins would probably have everything I own by now. You probably think I’m nuts, and maybe I am; but if I have something someone else needs, they will get it. and believe me, I have damn little.
I don’t think you’re nuts at all. The way you are is exactly how I feel I’m supposed to be–a person who gives without thought of themselves or fear of danger. Within humans, instinct and compassion are still at odds.
Christa, I feel much as you do about getting too involved in helping the indigenous here in Panama – as we have experienced much the same as you when we have given and given and loaned and loaned. I do not think you are a scrooge – nor am I. By the way, I am glad you and Marco were here for a great Christmas dinner and I think we all felt some real Christmas spirit and lots of warm friendship.
Recently, we stopped outside our gate to close it – and several indigenous folks opened the door and tried to climb in the back – we were actually on our way to your house that night and I had to try to explain we were driving only next door (it was raining, I guess). It was very difficult to get them out of the car. I was actually a bit scared!
You know better than anyone the predicament here. And Christmas was great. I’m so grateful to have you as a neighbor and friend.