…and what has been written cannot be unwritten.
Since I started writing a few years ago, I discovered a peculiar phenomenon – I’m often shocked at what happens when these fingertips hit the keys.
I know many writers plot out every scene ahead of time. I thought that would be my way of putting a novel together. I am obsessed with efficiency and order in my daily life. However, I’ve found that I can’t adhere to any structure when writing. I suppose that’s why it’s so exhilarating and therapeutic for me. I get to let the messy, intuitive side out to play.
I’ve just finished Part II of the SICK series that my readers voted for. I had planned to finish it sooner, speed-publishing it like the first book, but I was delayed by my own aversion to the manuscript. Yes, I freaked myself out with my own writing. SICKER has become sicker than I ever wanted it to be.
I always send whatever I wrote for the day to my sister, Tia. She lets me know if I’m on the right track and helps me when I’m stuck. At one point, Tia was disappointed because I glossed over the event that is the catalyst for so much of John Branch’s illness. I was too wimpy to attempt it, so I left some hints to imply what happened. She said that I had to write the scene and gave me some ideas. I sucked it up and wrote it, and I enjoyed writing it.
After I finished I was queasy and maybe sort of gaggy. Where did all this disturbing shit come from? Worst of all, not only did a give birth to this scene, but I understood my character’s logic and felt his excitement. *shudders*
I wished I could unwrite it, but it was too late. Like accidentally catching your parents in the throes of coitus, I couldn’t unsee, unfeel, or unhear what had taken place in my head.
I stepped away from the desk and paced the room. I couldn’t go back to reading the manuscript, much less writing more of the story. This lasted for a whole week. The thought of it made me feel creeped-out and depressed. I start doubting my morals, my memories, and my sanity. How did I conceive this depravity? What is wrong with me?
Here are my theories.
- I grew up watching too much American TV and Hollywood movies. (If you’ve lived outside the US for a while, you’ll realize our sources for entertainment are pretty f*cked up).
- Awful things happened to me that I’ve repressed and this is my way of giving myself hints, thus opening the way for the subconscious to heal.
- Epigenetics: My genes were shaped by the experiences of my ancestors (war, famine, hardship, brutality) and I am processing their trauma through writing.
- I’m secretly a depraved psychopath living vicariously through my characters. Who knows how long I’ll be satisfied with acting out my compulsions in books?
- We are all secretly psychopaths, and I happen to be one that exposes little bits of my twisted mind, like a literary flasher who hides behind the cozy excuse that it’s all just “fiction.” My readers, also closet psychos, pretend they’re innocently enjoying said “fiction,” when in reality they like it much more than they should.
None of these theories bring me any comfort. They all come with unsettling revelations. Maybe writers of psychological thrillers or suspense novels can tell me why we create these characters and how to cope with our creations once they’ve been unleashed on us.
SICKER is done. Beta-copies will be sent out soon. If test-readers say I’ve gone too far, I might just leave it unpublished.
What’s the most disturbing scene you’ve read in a book?
Have you ever been deeply disturbed by something you’ve written?
How do you know when you’ve gone too far?
Leave your comments below.
Get SICK
I agree. What ” Change it Up” says really hits it on the head. I know that I’m a bit late with this. Still, in reading Sicker, I had to put it down a couple of times as I realized that I was literally shaking and need a break. It’s NJ or a bad thing. It’s the mark of an excellent writer
Thanks so much for the encouragement, Angie. That is a major compliment. It’s always scary putting new writing out there, especially when it’s this disturbing. I ask myself, should I be putting my name on this? I think about how my grandmother is going to want to read it and I don’t know if I should let her! But underneath the extreme surface of John Branch’s story are questions that I think everyone should ask themselves. There’s much more to it than entertainment and shock value. I’m so happy to have you on the beta-reading team. Thank you for all your help!
You are delving too deep into why you write what you write. You just have a very creative mind. You take a small particle of life or a piece of your own life and magnify those thoughts into a brilliant piece of literature. This is not something to worry about, it is talent. Everyone’s life has a story, you cleverly turn your story and life around you into wonderful books.
Stopping worrying, just keep writing. Be thankful for your unique brain it is a gift.
Writers have to get inside the minds of their subjects, no matter how heroic or villainous. While it can feel icky to identify with the depraved mind of a character, it’s a sign you’re doing it right. Remember how long it took Johnny Depp to stop talking like Hunter S. Thompson? Same thing. Keep up the good work!
The best writers suck us into their worlds (even the worlds that only exist in the imagination). The best stories are those that carry us away with them. Although some people will find a particular subject disturbing, if it is well written, you’ve done your job as the author. I want to be so engrossed in a story that I can’t wait to turn the page and find out what happens next, no matter how disturbing the ultimate truth might be.
I have to agree with Max – The Road probably contains some of the most upsetting scenes I’ve read. I wrote a scene about driving over locusts that was pretty disgusting. Does that count!
Yes – just go for it. I wrote a scene in my Novella Desperate Times that I had to edit many times (a cannibalism thing). But after the edits – I pretty much left it the same. Of course, our backgrounds come into play and I was a homicide detective for many years so I have a pretty clear picture of human depravity.
Do not censure yourself. Just write the best you can write. Your sister is right.
Quit doubting yourself! You write fiction magically. Don’t overthink it. We all have questionable thoughts in our mind’s skeleton’s closet. Still, we are “normal”. 😉
The Road by Cormac McCarthy has a scene I can’t un-see where some post-apocalyptic folks dine on one of their own. It was lightly handled though, which made it even more disturbing.
I had a writing teacher BTW who said: ‘write from the fingertips’ so you are in good company.
I’d agree with that scene from The Road as one that really haunts me to this day.